Wed, Oct. 18th, 2017, 08:25 pm
wanderlustlover: On this the 18th of October
I have been composing this letter in my head all day.
It's been several years since my last one of these, and I will make you no more excuse than the single I allow the universe for taking you in the first place -- time moves on. This remains unerringly true, does it not? Somehow past my teen age years, somehow past four years ago when I hit as many years alive after your passing as in a life with you, somehow to one year before it will be two decades since you passed.
I have pictures of you, on my living room wall, on my bookshelf in my classrooms. I cannot imagine you as a fixed point, an end dot, an end stop. I can't imagine you frozen time, waiting on a sister who cannot be. I can't imagine you still only thirteen, with babies and a flare for that pink Mexican dress. I hope that the color of your eyes in mind remains as vibrant in you as it will always in my memory, and that I can be allowed to wish and dream and imagine it forever in motion.
I am not that girl in her first high school years, who had never touched another country, never been brought to such traumatic lows and such overawing heights. I hope that it can only be as much with you. Perhaps, you have made the universe without a skin your playground. Perhaps, you race the light across the galaxy for fun, and the tales of your daring adventures are still returning to the earth at the snails pace of liminal light, arduous and tireless then the void.
Perhaps, you blow the stop lights into being for the small children who wish and stare hard enough from the front seats. Or maybe you have gone to where the bees when, to join the jam-bee-rie. Silly, right? Foolish? But you smiled, didn't you. I wish you, what I have always wished you, with all of my heart, and all of love (and even, yes, all of my absence-laden sorrow):
An endless existence of magic,
wherein there is only joy, and only wonder,
where pain can never touch you, and the only things for you
are made of beauty, and miracles, and laughter, and light, and love.
From the girl who will carry your heart in her heart forever,